Ellie's Story This is for you guys
by Lichfield Girl
Summary: AU, Ellie centric, comprises of letters sent to her friends back home to explain what exactly happened to her in the last year of her life. Some dark and disturbing things to come.
1. The beginning

I believe that life can be compared to a novel, made up of various chapters that contribute to the dramatic climax.

As with any novel, life has its ups and downs, highs and lows, laughter and tears. And you as the reader, stays with that character through their lows, you cry with them, feel their pain, and wish you could help them.

But I guess you guys weren't interested in my story.

All of you are all too aware of my lows, I saw the looks, I heard the whispers by the lockers, in the classrooms, in the hall. The words they and you called me, "Cutter" "Vampire" "Suicide" "Freak"

And yeah guys, some of those things are true, some not. But now It's time for the truth. So I'm sitting here thousands of miles away from you all, trying to find the words, trying to make sense of it all.

So if you care at all, carry on reading and I will talk you through the latest chapter of my life, and for all of you, the final chapter in the Ellie Nash story.

So for Marco, Ashley, Craig, Paige and Mom,

For I owe each of you an explanation

I shall begin.

But please do remember, I'm not guilty and I'm not sorry.

Ellie


	2. Do you remember Mom?

Mom,

Do you remember the day we got the phone call to say Dad was coming home?

You were already on your third bottle of the night, and I was on my third rubber band. There seemed to be so many nights like that- You sprawled out on the sofa, knocking back glass after glass, and me stood watching you from the doorway, snapping my rubber bands until they broke.

But that night was different. That night gave me hope, at least for a little while anyway. I took the call from Captain Allen, pretending that you weren't home, rather than admitting you were bent over in the bathroom, throwing your guts up from the cheap vodka you'd been drinking since noon.

The Captain told me that Dad was being released from his active duty in Iraq, on medical grounds. Dad and his regiment were all caught up in a roadside bomb, and half the men were killed. The Captain told me that although Dad wasn't badly injured he was suffering from severe post traumatic stress syndrome, and they felt it best he return home, at least for a while.

After I had hung up the phone, I walked into the bathroom to find you. You were curled up and shaking and you had vomit in your hair. I picked you up, and placed you in the shower to clean you up, turning the water on full. And then I told you.

God, I have never seen you face light up the way it did then! I hadn't seen you smile like that in months. You pulled me to you and hugged me so tightly, a hug that I had needed for so long.

Do you remember how we both stood there fully clothed with the shower beating down on us, you repeating over and over again, "He's coming home Ellie, he's coming home"

I hope you do remember that night Mom, even through the haze of alcohol. It was the last time you hugged me, the last time I felt you love. And my Daddy was coming home, Our Hero.

I don't think I ever felt so happy.

Seems a long time ago now.

Ellie.


	3. Where were you when I needed you?

Ash,

My Dad had been home a week and I think you'd noticed how stressed out I was feeling. You had come round to my house a few days before and seen what a state my Dad was in. His spaced out expression, his eyes glazed over and how he didn't say a word to anyone, not even seeming to be aware that there were other people in the same room as him. You obviously felt uncomfortable, and you cleared off just fifteen minutes after you'd arrived. Not that I blame you really, I felt like doing the same thing.

Anyway one Monday night, you'd invited me to go to the movies with you, and to stay at your afterwards. It sounded like heaven compared to another night sat at home with my Mom and Dad in complete silence.

But, I guess I should have known it would happen anyway, your priorities changed as soon as Craig started making his demands. He was doing a gig downtown and wanted you to go see him perform. Do you remember how you phoned me from inside the club, how you were soooo sorry that you'd forgotten about our plans for the night.

I lied and told you that it didn't matter, that I hadn't even left home yet, told you all the things you wanted to hear. In reality I was stood outside your house in the pouring rain, where I'd been hammering on your door for the last ten minutes.

And normally Ash, I really wouldn't have minded that you blew me off, I had gotten used to it since Craig came on the scene. But that night it really hurt, I think coz I just wanted an escape from my life for one night, and yeah I needed you.

And after that night was through I needed you more than ever.

_Where, where were you__,  
When I needed you most,  
When I needed a friend  
Where, where were you,  
When I needed you most,  
When I needed a friend._

So I headed back home, back to my Dad, and to everything that happened next.

You could have saved me Ash, protected me,

At least for one more night.

Ellie.

Things are about to become really terrible for Ellie, and the following chapters will become quite dark and slightly disturbing. I'm not sure if anyone out there is really enjoying this so reviews and constructive criticism would be great! Please!

Lyrics by Erasure, _When I needed You_


	4. The Beginning of the End

Marco,

You spent so many weeks asking me over and over again what was wrong with me. Asking me to talk to you, forcing me to talk to you. But Marco I couldn't, I just couldn't get the words out. All I wanted was for you to take it all away from me, all of that pain. It was just too horrendous and terrifying to actually say it. Because if I'd said it out loud it really would be true, and there would be no chance that I'd suddenly wake up and realize everything was just a bad dream.

Eventually you stopped asking, stopped caring I guess. Maybe you thought by ignoring me, cutting me out of your life, I would suddenly realise how much I needed you and run back to you, beg your forgiveness and bear my soul to you.

I did need you. I needed your help. I just didn't have the strength to ask for it anymore.

So here's your explanation, and I wish it didn't have to be through a letter, but I just don't think I could have coped with seeing your face, had I have told you.

It was a Monday night, and having been ditched by Ash, I headed back home for another night stuck with family nutcase. My Mom had left a note saying she had gone to an AA meeting, and that she'd be back about nine. And my Dad was doing his usual routine of sitting in silence and ignoring everything going on around him.

After sitting with him, watching mind numbingly boring T.V, which did nothing to lighten the tension in the room, I decided that we'd both be more comfortable if I went to bed, and we could both be alone.

I was just getting changed into my P.J's when I heard the noise of floorboards creaking outside my room. Assuming it must be Dad, I finished changing and asked him if he was okay.

To my surprise he shuffled into my bedroom, and stood by the door, his eyes fixed to the floor. Assuming that maybe he wanted to talk, I told him to come sit on my bed with me, hoping he would finally open up to someone.

With him sitting next to me, I suddenly noticed the terrified, almost manic look in his eyes. I smelt alcohol, and I wondered where he's got it from as Mom had thrown all her vast supplies away when she came back from rehab. Then for the first time since entering the room he looked at me. "I'm so sorry" he eventually whispered.

I was about to ask him what he was sorry for when suddenly he lunged forwards and pushed me back on the bed, his hands pinning me down and he pressed the weight of his body upon me. I went to scream out, and he responded by forcing his tongue in my mouth. I wanted to throw up. Not my Daddy, he couldn't could he.

He could and he did.

Half an hour later he left, pulling his clothes back on as he went. I heard my Mom coming back minutes later, and them talking and laughing about something. She came into my room, delighted about how much happier and calm he seemed and she thanked me for whatever I'd done to make him feel better

I just stared at the ceiling, too numb and cold to cry, or even to want to cut.

Mom was too carried away by the sudden change in my Dad to even notice my lack of responses. I didn't sleep that night, I didn't even move- I was hurting, both emotionally and physically.

That's the night that the Ellie you knew and loved died, the beginning of the end I guess you could say.

So that's your explanation.

And I know it must be horrific to read it, and I really am sorry for that, coz I don't want to hurt you. But however awful this letter has been for you, just imagine how unbearable it was to live it.

Ellie.


	5. Rain and Pain

A/N. So its been a long time since I updated this story. I have no idea if anyone is reading it/ enjoying it. So I figured I would do another chapter, and if there is no interest I will cut my losses and move on with a new story.

Much love, Nic xx

DEGRASSIDEGRASSIDEGRASSIDEGRASSIDEGRASSIDEGRASSIDEGRASSIDEGRASSIDEGRASSIDEGRASSI

_When you held my hand that night  
An empty shell seems so easy to crack  
Got all these questions, don't know who I could even ask  
So I'll just lie alone  
And wait for the dream  
Where I'm not ugly and your lookin' at me._

Craig,

You found me the first time, in the park that night. Do you remember? It was after the second time my Dad... Well you didn't know about that until much later. I guess that very first night, to you, I was just Ash's weird friend, the one who according to rumours had an unhealthy appetite for cutting up her arms. Just another face in the hallways.

You stopped and sat with me anyway.

We shouldn't have been there, you know. It wasn't fair. We shouldn't have been in the park in the middle of the night, sat on the swings, shivering because of the rain pouring down. Hiding from the world. Hiding from our Dads.

I saw the bruises on your face in the dim light. I knew the story behind them without you saying a word. I guess people talk about you too. You saw the bruises on my wrist as you silently took my hand, trying to comfort both of us. You also saw the deep cuts dancing their way up my wrist. Finger shaped bruises and pretty red lines- signs of mine and my Dad's guilty pleasures.

Your eyes locked with mine, you wanted to know. But I couldn't Craig, and I think that time you understood my need for silence. I think you needed it too.

I guess for me that night was special. It wasn't about telling dirty secrets. It was about my hand in yours, your thumb stroking my knuckles, and the way that the rain masked the tears, that refused to stop falling from my eyes.

I don't think I ever really thanked you for that.

Thank you.

Ellie.

No, Love Ellie


End file.
